The Bodacious E Gets His
by Flagg1991
Summary: The Bodacious E has roasted me long enough...now it's his turn. Cover by Raganoxer.
1. Off on the Wrong Foot

The Bodacious E stepped through his front door and took a deep breath. He was dressed in a yellow and brown striped T shirt so tight you could see his nipples, red corduroy pants, and rainbow suspenders. One of those dumb yamika looking caps with the helicopter blade on top covered his head.

He threaded his thumbs through his suspenders and skipped merrily down the walkway, his head bobbing from side to side. He turned left and began to sing in a high, reedy prepubescent voice that cracked on every other word.

" _Fucking feet is what I like to do_

 _And writing terrible fan fic-tion too!"_

He bounced through an intersection and came _thiiiiis_ close to being run down by a Chevy van, but unfortunately he made it to the other side in one piece.

" _Sucking toes and licking heels_

 _Feet, you know, make the perfect meals!"_

He glanced to his left and came to a crashing halt. A green van was backed into an empty lot; the hatch was open and some Hispanic dude in a green plaid shirt was going to town on a blonde girl, him on top and her on the bottom. E only had eyes for her feet, though; they stuck out from under the man, her toes spread in pleasure.

E licked his chapped lips. They were just _begging_ to be fucked.

Tiptoeing over, he unzipped his pants, pulled out his raging 2.5 inch boner, and tittered like a loon. This was going to feel _so_ good.

He was close enough to strike now. He grabbed the girl's foot and rammed his dick into the gap between her big toe and the next one over. E's eyes rolled back into his head as he began to pump. The girl screamed, and the Hispanic dude looked over his shoulder, a dark shadow crossing his face when he saw E. "What the fuck?" he demanded.

The girl yanked her foot away and the Hispanic dude turned, his jaw set and his eyes blazing. E gulped. Uh-oh. Before he could flee, the Hispanic dude grabbed him by the front of his shirt and dragged him close; their noses were almost touching. E was so terrified that he piddled.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

In the van, the girl sat up, her features screwed up in an expression of horror. "Oh, God, he literally fucked my foot!"

The Hispanic dude's eyes narrowed in rage. "P-P-P-Please, don't h-h-h-h-h-hurt me, s-s-s-s-sir," E stammered.

Ignoring him, the Hispanic dude cocked his fist, and E closed his eyes.

The blow didn't come.

E opened one eye; the Hispanic dude was looking at him strangely. "Hey...I know you; you're that retard who writes pimp stories. I _hate_ pimp stories." He hit E square in the nose, and it burst like an overripe tomato. E's vision darkened and he started to cry like a little bitch.

The second blow struck him in the stomach, and the air rushed out of his lungs; his knees went weak, and he fell backwards The Hispanic dude lashed out with his foot, catching E in the balls. He moaned as hot lead rose in his stomach...then he puked on himself.

"Nasty ass motherfucker," the Hispanic dude sneered.

"I'm sorry!" E wailed, his voice breaking. "I'm so sorry, stop hurting me!"

"Let's go, Bobby," the girl said from the van.

Bobby hocked a loogie and spat: It splattered E's lips and dribbled into his mouth. He choked as it slid down the back of his throat, and as Bobby and his girlfriend drove off, he started to blubber again.

The sound of his cries drew Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who did society a solid and pumped E full of poison. He died as he lived: A straight up pansy ass bitch.

THE END.


	2. Boyfriend

**Lyrics to** ** _Boyfriend_** **by Justin Bieber (2012)**

* * *

On a normal suburban street, a door opens and a figure emerges as music begins to play. He's tall and thin with neatly styled blonde hair, soft, feminine features, and limpid blue eyes. He's wearing skinny jeans, fresh white kicks, and a puffy sleeveless vest over a white T-shirt. He squints sexily into the sun and slowly nods; every female in a ten mile radius dampens and every gay man in town pops an erection.

 _If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go_

 _I can take you places you ain't never been before_

 _Baby take a chance or you'll never ever know_

He pulls the door closed behind him and starts down the walkway in slow motion, the wind blowing through his hair. He spins on his heels like a white Michael Jackson and pops an imaginary collar.

 _I got money in my hands that I'd really like to blow_

 _Swag swag swag, on you_

 _Chillin' by the fire while we eating fondue_

 _I don't know 'bout me but I know about you_

 _So say hello to falsetto in three two_

He throws one arm up into the air and grabs his crotch with a high pitched cry. Lori Loud, out walking Charles, melts into a puddle of goo, her eyes big and shimmering with teenage lust. "Hi, E," she draws and giggles.

E gives her a curt nod.

"Do you, like, literary wanna go to prom?"

"Sorry, gurl," E says, "I got plans that day."

Lori watches him as he swaggers past, her arousal coursing down her legs. If Bobby didn't move away, she would totally fuck him right now...while pretending he was E.

 _If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go_

 _Keep you on my arm girl, you'd never be alone_

 _I can be a gentleman, anything you want_

 _If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go, I'd never let you go_

E brushes his hand over his flaxen hair as he passes Carol Pingrey. She bites her lower lip and twirls a strand of her blonde hair around her finger. "Hi, E," she says, "do you wanna come over to my house? We can study a little -" her eyes flick appreciatively from his feet to his head - "biology."

E shakes his head. "Nah, I'm good."

Disappointment crosses Carol's face, and she slumps her shoulders.

All these hos tryna get with him. Man, it can be nice but it get old, especially when he only had room in his heart for one. Sorry, ladies, The Bodacious E is into monogamy. He turns a corner, and Luan Loud's jaw drops, revealing her braces. "I dream of kissing you every night," she blurts, and her face flushes.

E points a finger at her and winks. "Keep dreaming."

 _Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don't_

 _I could be your Buzz Lightyear, fly across the globe_

 _I don't ever wanna fight yeah, you already know_

 _I'mma make you shine bright like you're laying in the snow_

 _Burr_

Next come Harold and Howard McBride. Harold checks him out as he walks by; Howard gasps and slaps his husband across his face. "How _dare_ you!"

E smirks to himself. Yeah, I'm sexy, fellas, but I'm not into ya'll. I'm into...someone else.

Finally, he reaches his destination, and his heart begins to race. He's sexy and could have any girl he wants, but he's nervous nevertheless; how can you not be when you tryna get with the most perfect angel in the world?

He climbs a step of steps and knocks on a door.

 _Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend_

 _You could be my girlfriend until the w-w-world ends_

 _Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and_

 _Voice going crazy on this hook like a whirlwind_

 _Swaggy_

It opens, and E's stomach knots. His mouth is dry and all thought runs away from him.

"Uh, hi," Lincoln Loud says.

"H-Hey, Linc," E says, "I was just wonderin'...you wanna hang?"

 _Fifteen minutes later._

E is stretched out prone on Lincoln's bed, naked save for socks like the little twink he is. Lincoln runs his hands over E's back and prods his butt with his massive eleven-year-old dick. E's body burns with fever. "Do it," he moans breathlessly.

Lincoln grabs his shoulders and thrusts into E's ass.

 _If I was your boyfriend, never let you go_

 _Keep you on my arm girl, you'd never be alone_

 _I can be a gentleman, anything you want_

 _If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go, I'd never let you go_

A mixture of pleasure and pain radiates through E as Lincoln pounds his butt walls. He clamps his teeth on the pillow and holds onto the cover.

 _Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ey_

 _Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ey_

 _If I was your boyfriend_

After that, Lincoln _was_ his boyfriend...and E was never happier.


	3. The Sad Saga of Sir Spam-a-Lot

_Grunt._

 _Grunt._

 _Grunt._

TheBodaciousE thrusts deep into his Leni body pillow and blows his load. Sweat coats his flabby, hair-covered body and his breaths come in deep gasps. Being five hundred and ninety five pounds, even ten seconds of sex with his new girlfriend is a challenge, but after a long day of watching Loud House reruns on Nickelodeon, he was _really_ horny.

He rolls off, and the bed dips under his prodigious weight: The pillow flops onto him, and he grins. "Was it...good for...you too?" he pants and strokes its head. Its only reply is a frozen smile. E sighs. What he wouldn't give for a _real_ woman.

Something warm and wet drips onto his stomach, and he shoves the pillow aside. "Aw, man," he says as his eyes fall on the glob of sperm matted to his body hair. The pillow didn't come with a pussy hole, so he made his own by cutting out its crotch, inserting a pink sock he found at the Goodwill, and filling it with lotion. A _real_ woman wouldn't drip cum on him; she'd suck it all into her body or something. He didn't know because he was a virgin, but that's how it worked, right?

Getting up, he went into the bathroom and cleaned himself up, then went into his living room, the ancient floor groaning under his weight: He lived alone in a double wide in the Happy Hills trailer park on the outskirts of Macon, alone, that is, except for his Leni pillow and his vast collection of Loud House porn. Printouts of them plastered the walls, mainly of Lola and Lana naked. They were _not_ aged up.

At his computer, E drops into his swivel chair which sighs under the pressure of his titanic ass. It was midnight, and E was heading to bed, but first, he had stories to post.

He logged into his FFN account, went to his doc manager, and started his latest masterwork: "Lincoln yells at his sister over dumb shit from the show. They all get AIDS and die. The end." Smiling at his own genius, he posts it.

Hm. Just one more.

"Lincoln shot up like a black preacher at a revival and slapped someone. Adolf Hitler came back and the Nazis won WWII. The end." He really liked this one because he was a bigot who hated people that didn't look exactly like him.

Click.

Post.

Okay, last one.

"Lincoln slapped Luan out of her socks and a wave of pure respect rolled over Royal Woods. Stalin and Hitler came back, teamed up, and took over the world. The end."

Click.

Post.

He picked up his inhaler and took a deep breath. No more, I promise.

"Lincoln was a pimp. The end."

Click.

Post.

Okay, okay, one more for the road.

"Linc iz da shiznit, boi."

Click.

Post.

He was about to start on his next one when he saw that he had three messages. His heart skipped a beat. Someone wanted to talk to him? Oh, boy! He wasn't used to not being totally and completely ignored by everyone. He went to his inbox and nearly died. It was from UnderratedHero, his fav fic writer. When he read it, however, his spirits crashed:

"Stop spamming FFN. It's annoying."

Well...it's masterwork, not spam, so it was okay.

He went to the next message. It was from That Engineer, another one of his favorite fan fiction writers. He wrote that story with the title he couldn't spell or pronounce but fronted like he could. "You're making an ass of yourself, mate. Cut it out."

E was starting to tear up. Maybe the last message was better.

It was from Flagg1991, whom E greatly respected. "One more dumb ass pimp story and I swear to God I'm going to have Em find your address. Do us all a favor and die."

E broke down crying.

...just one more.

"I wish I was Lincoln. People actually like Lincoln."

Click.

Post.

Em found his address the next day and he was never seen again.

THE END.


	4. Pedo E Gets Jumped

TheBodaciousE washed his hands in the kitchen sink, then dried them on a towel. He just got done molesting his fifteen little boy since being released from prison (where he was in AD-SEG because he was a pedo bitch who'd get fucked up in general population). The boy was curled up on the floor sobbing so hard his little white cowlick shook. E would cry too if his ass got split by three inches of hard steel.

"Are you hungry, little boy?" E asked huskily. The sound of this kid's crying was turning him on again.

The boy shook his head.

"Alright," E said, and went to him, kneeling. The boy cringed. "I'll take you back to the park, but if you tell _anyone_ , I'll kill you and all those girls I saw you with, okay?"

The boy nodded.

E got to his feet just as a knock sounded at the door. Who the fuck was _this_? "Stay here and don't make a sound."

In the living room, E brushed his fingers through his natty ass neckbeard in an attempt to make himself presentable, then opened the door.

When he saw who it was, his blood froze.

Flagg1991 and Emms stood on either side of a Hispanic woman with a purse around her shoulder. A dog's head was poking out. It looked mean as fuck.

"H-Hey, g-guys," E trembled like a bitch.

Flagg and Emms were guys he knew from Discord. They scared the fuck out of him, but he tried to hang with them anyway. He assumed the woman was Laquifa, Em's girl.

"Yo, I somethin' out 'bout yo ass," Em said.

Uh-oh. "W-What's that, sir?"

"That you're a fuckin' chomo," Laquifa said and jammed her finger into E's scrawny ass pigeon chest.

A lump of icy terror dropped into E's stomach and his hands shot up, palms out. "N-N-N-No, I swear, it's not like that. I paid my debt to society."

Lincoln Loud picked that moment to sob loudly.

Flagg's face darkened. He snatched E by the front of his My Little Pony shirt and shoved him aside, then entered, followed by Em and Laquifa. In the kitchen, Flagg saw the little boy on the floor, his clothes tattered and his pants around his ankles. "Oh, my God," he said.

E shook with fear.

Flagg knelt and put a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder. "Did that man molest you?"

The boy nodded. "Three times," he hitched.

Flagg's head whipped in E's direction: The pedo's face was pale.

"You nasty motherfucker!" Laquifa screamed. She flew across the room, and E screamed. She clocked him in the mouth, and he fell against the wall. She hit him once, twice, three times: His nose gushed blood and bits of shattered teeth fell from his mouth.

She grabbed the front of his shirt and flung him into Flagg's waiting arms. Flagg snaked one muscular, tattooed forearm around E's neck and squeezed, cutting off the molester's oxygen supply. Em punched E in the stomach, and his spleen ruptured. He hit him again, and his kidneys stopped working.

Flagg shoved E away, and Laquifa battered E's head with a flurry of punches; he cried out and threw his hands up to protect his face, but she simply moved onto his stomach. Flagg slipped behind him and dropped to his hands and knees like a baby. Laquifa shoved E and he fell over Flagg with a faggish squeal.

Em mounted him and wrapped his freakishly large Russian hands around his puny fuckboi throat. E's eyes widened and he gasped for breath. "Fuck your bitch ass," Em snarled, spittle flying from his lips and splattering E's face.

Flagg jumped to his feet and lashed out, kicking E's head: Blood burst from his lips and nose. Laquifa knelt and punched E in the forehead. "You bitch ass MOTHERFUCKER!" she yelled."

Dime leapt out of Laquifa's purse, sprang forward, and latched onto E's underformed little nuts. E screamed and thrashed as the dog ripped his junk off and ate it whole.

When he was dead, they stomped his body into bloody pulp, then took Lincoln to the hospital. They were hailed as heroes and lived happily ever after.

THE END.


	5. The Holder

**Crossoverpairinglover: Fic is still up**

* * *

 **This story was inspired by something TheBodaciousE himself said the other day. I'm giving him credit.**

TheBodaciousE, dressed in a plaid shirt tucked into a pair of tan slacks, his black Buddy Holly glasses perched just so on his nose, took a deep breath and knocked on the front door of 1216 Franklin Avenue. In one hand he held a bouquet of roses, and a box of chocolates is wedged under his arm. This was it, the day he asked out Leni Loud, the girl he'd had a crush on since the fifth grade. He'd tried a million times in the past, but lacked the self-confidence to actually go through with it. He was the smartest boy in Royal Woods, and as such, he was painfully aware that his gangly frame, pimple-studded face, greasy hair, braces, high, reedy voice, and painful social awkwardness made him undesirable as a mate. He had, however, opened a rapport with Leni, and she considered him her 'best guy friend.'

Time to take it to the next level.

The door opened and Rita Loud appeared.

"Hello, Mrs. Loud," E said and pushed his glasses back up his nose, "is Leni in?"

"Hi, E," Rita said warmly, "she's in her room." Her eyes went to the flowers. "Are those for her?"

E nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

"She'll love them," Rita said and stepped aside.

E went in and looked around the living room: Lynn was sprawled in the armchair tossing a football into the air then catching it; Luna was sitting on the couch with her feet kicked up onto the coffee table; and Luan was next to her with her dummy in her lap. He didn't know them very well, and he started to feel a little anxious. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulled out his inhaler and took a deep breath.

"You can go right up," Rita said.

"Thank you, Mrs. Loud."

Putting his inhaler back into his pocket, E went up the stairs, hoping he didn't cross paths with Lana: She was dirty and no doubt riddled with germs, and E was so OCD that even looking at her made him want to wash his hands. At the top, he met Lisa going down, a beaker filled with bubbling green liquid in her hand. "Is that sodiumhydrateoxiperafate?" he asked nervously.

"You know the basics," Lisa grumbled sarcastically, "hooray."

E's chest filled with indignation, but he ignored it when he caught sight of Leni's door. It was closed, and just beyond it was an angel, the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Taking a deep, steadying breath, he went over to it and knocked.

There was no answer.

A more socially adept person would not open it and walk it, but E was so lacking in social skills that he didn't even know when he was being mocked by his peers - which was every single day. He turned the knob and stepped into the room, freezing in horror at what he saw: A ripped, naked hunk with perfect hair and teeth and bronze skin lay back on Leni's bed with one arm bent behind his head and a wide smile on his face. E's eyes went instantly to his massive pecs...then to the blonde head bobbing between his legs.

It was Leni.

His heart clutched and he felt like he was going to pass out; the flowers and chocolates fell from his grasp.

The hunk looked at him and frowned. "Hey, who's the loser?"

Leni pulled away from his massive penis, tucked her hair behind her ear, and turned. "Oh, hi, E!" she cried happily.

Seeing the girl you love fellate another man is enough to gut you, and that's how E felt: As though he had been totally and entirely eviscerated. Hot tears filled his eyes and he fought them back with great effort. "I-I should go."

He turned and started to leave, but Leni stopped him. "Wait, don't go. I, like, want you to join in."

E's jaw hit his chest. She wanted him to join? His heart leapt with happiness and a big smile spread across his face. "Really?"

She nodded and returned him over with the seductive wiggle of her index finger. Grinning like a fool, E went to the foot of the bed and stood next to her. His palms were sweaty, his knees shook, and his heart slammed. His pathetic one inch penis stirred at the promise of finally being touched by a real live girl, and precum began to leak from his tip.

"W-What do you want me to do?" he asked.

Len brushed her teeth across her bottom lip, leaned in, and pressed her finger to his stomach. "I want you…"

E's stomach rippled with anticipation.

"...to…"

Yes? _Yes?_

"...hold my hair while I suck Ernesto off.'

E's spirits crashed to the ground. "T-That's it?"

Lemi nodded. "Yep."

She turned back to the hunk and, tears in his eyes, E did as he was told, gathering her hair in one hand and holding it back as she returned to sucking the hunk with lustful gusto. He stared down at her naked shoulder in shame, his heart and stomach both throbbing and his dick retracting into his stomach.

"Hey."

E looked up, and Ernesto was grinning. "You like her, huh?"

E looked down again and nodded glumly.

"And you're holding her hair while she pleasures another man. What a fucking cuck." He laughed and E started to cry.

"Oh, here come the waterworks!"

E's shoulders hitched and he moaned in misery. Leni pulled against his grasp as she went faster and faster. Maybe if he did this she would finally see what a great guy he was and go out with him. Yeah. She'd see he was _way_ nicer than Ernesto. She…

"Babe, I'm cumming."

Leni moved her head aside and E turned to face Ernesto's dick just as it erupted: A glob of cum splattered E's lips and dribbled down his chin, some of it getting into his mouth: It was warm and salty, like snot. Another spurt splashed the lens of his glasses, rendering him blind. The third and final hit him in the crotch and soaked through the fabric of his pants, wet and hot against his groin. "He shoots, he scores!" Ernesto cried, and he and Leni laughed so hard they cried.

Head hung in shame, heart completely broken, E trudged back downstairs and out the front door, dripping a mixture of another man's seminal fluid and the saliva of the girl he loved.

Two days later, Leni called him to come over, and, heart in his throat, hoping for the best, he did, only to find Ernesto lying on the bed naked. "Can you hold my hair again?"

And he did.

And again, Ernesto came on him.

This happened three times a week for two years, and never once did E gather the courage to tell Leni how he felt about her...and about how hurt he was over what she and Ernesto were doing to him. Now, twenty years later, E holds his wife's hair as she sucks other men, and his daughter's as she sucks her boyfriend.

And the whole time, he cries.

The End.


	6. E and the Amazing Dadbot

TheBodaciousE sat on a curb, his face in his hands and a single tear trickling down one grimy cheek. His clothes were dirty and tattered and his shoes were falling apart: He looked like a twink bum because he _was_ a twink bum. "I really wish I had a dad," he sighed sadly.

Just then, a shadow fell over him, and he twisted around to see a tall man with sunglasses and a fifties style haircut looming over him - his face was astonishingly handsome, and when he spoke, his voice was smooth and comforting. "Hey, kid, you want a dad?"

E's heart skipped a beat. In his time on the mean dirt streets of Yeehaw, Georgia, he'd learned all about pedophiles. He opened his mouth to speak, but the man cut him off. "I'm not gonna molest you, kid. Do you want a father or not?"

E found himself nodding. "Y-Yes, sir."

A cold, evil grin spread across the man's face. "Consider it done," he said. He snapped his fingers and disappeared. E gaped in open amazement, then whipped around when someone greeted him.

It was a man with a perfect smile. He wore a polo shirt, jean shorts, and sandals, his hands on his hips. He looked like every father E had ever seen on TV. "Hi, son, I'm DadBot and I'm your new father."

Excitement burst in E's chest like a bomb, and he shot to his feet. "Hi, Dadbot! It's really good to meet you. I'm glad you're here."

Dadbot smiled. "Hi, glad you're here, I'm Dad."

E giggled. "You're funny. I'm twelve and I like digging in the trash and sleeping in cardboard boxes."

"Hi, twelve and I like digging in the trash and sleeping in cardboard boxes, I'm Dad."

E's head tilted to one side in confusion. "Uh, we've established that fact." An idea struck him. "Do you know any jokes?"

Dadbot grinned. "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip off."

E laughed so hard he peed a little. "You're lit, fam. I'm gonna show you off to everyone in town."

"Hi, going to show you off to everyone in town, I'm Dad."

Uh...okay. Kind of irritating, but he finally had a dad of his own, and he was so proud that nothing, and I mean nothing, could hamper his mood.

 _ **Spongebob French Voice:**_ **ONE HOUR LATER.**

E bumped into a little girl on the sidewalk. "I'm sorry," he said.

Next to him, Dadbot smiled. "Hi, sorry, I'm Dad!"

Next, he asked Dad if he was hungry. "I'd buy us something at the Burpin' Burger, but I'm an orphan so I don't have any money."

"Hi, an orphan so I don't have any money, I'm Dad."

E winced. He was starting to get a tension headache in his temples. It was still good, though; he didn't mind. No pain, no gain right?

For the rest of the day, Dadbot followed him around cracking lame jokes and hitting him with "I'm Dad" every time he tripped up and started a sentence with _I'm_. At first it was fine, but after a while, his head started hurting and every time dude opened his mouth, E winced. The final straw came when E was checking out this hot fifteen-year-old homeless chick bent over a trash can. "You like her, huh, son?" Dadbot asked.

"Totally."

Dadbot slapped him on the back...then walked over, much to E's horror. "Hi, Miss. My son has a crush on you. Would you like to see a baby picture of him?" He whipped out his wallet and removed a photo of a random naked baby lying on a bear skin rug. The girl laughed and E blushed. "His penis is still the same size."

E fucking _flipped_. "Goddamn it!" he cried in a high pitched falsetto. "I hate you, Dad! You're not my real father! I'm so sick of you!"

Dad smiled. "Hi, so sick of you, I'm Dad."

E screamed in utter, mind-bending madness, then turned and fled down the sidewalk. Disembodied dad heads floated around him. "Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad."

Sobbing hysterically now, E stumbled and fell to his knees, then looked up through tearful eyes when a shadow came over him. The man with the glasses smiled hatefully. "Hey, kid. How's your old man?"

"Please," E wept. He crawled over on his knees and balled his hands as if in prayer. "Please...take him away. I'm going crazy."

The man grinned and bent over, his face hovering inches away from E's - he could smell his fetid breath and see the fire in his eyes, muted by the tinted lenses but there nonetheless. "Hi, going crazy," the man said, "I'm Dad."

E's mind snapped and he went totally and irreversibly insane.

The End.


	7. 2 Busy 4 U

The Bodacious E started his day like he always did: By logging onto Discord, seeing notifications from his friend Flagg1991, and ignoring the fuck out of them.

In his inbox: _Hey, E, haven't heard from you in a while, you okay, buddy?_

Tagged in a server: _E, check this shit out, son, it's dope._

In another server. _My favorite friend is E, he's a cool guy._

Dude wouldn't leave him alone. Didn't he get it? E was too busy for him.

Getting out of bed, E kicked through empty beer cans, used condom wrappers, and moldy pizza crusts. The guys from last night were strewn across the floor of E's half bedroom apartment, passed out and naked. Lincoln, Clyde, Chandler, Poppa Wheelie, Rusty, Rocky, and Benny. They were up late playing soggy biscuit. That's where a bunch of dudes stand in a circle and jerk off onto a biscuit, then one has to eat it. E was too fucking poor to afford biscusts, so they used his face instead.

He showered, dressed in a jersey and baggy jeans over a hot pink thong, and left to do his thing. First, he hopped on his rusted ass bike and pedaled to work: The newspaper plant. He picked up his papers, then rode through town tossing papers at houses like a twelve year old. Next, he went to school. Because of his, uh, problems, he was in the special ed class, and before lunch, a kid puked on him, another headbutted him out of jealousy because E got three cookies for snack to his two and a girl who wore a diaper gave him a card she made, purple scribbles on pink paper. "I like you, E," she said.

Heh.

At the end of the day, he went to the salon to get his hair and nails did. At one point, his phone buzzed and he took it out. A text from Flagg. _I'm really worried, man, you okay?_

E rolled his eyes.

After the salon, he grabbed a black trash bag and spent the evening picking up cans at the side of the interstate for extra money. Flagg texted him again, and E fumed. LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M TOO BUSY FOR YOU! God!

E took his cans to the junkyard and left the proud owner of a shiny new quarter. Suh-WEET. On his way home, though, a bigger boy snatched E by the front of his crusted, punk ass jersey, punched him in the guts, and took his quarter away. "Thanks for the payday, fag."

Curling up into a ball, E cried like a bitch.

Then his phone rang.

So help him God, if it was Flagg.

He answered it. "Heeeeey."

"E, it's Flagg…"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" E pitched the phone away and finished crying, then pushed himself up and went home. A note was pinned to his door. EVICTED.

E sighed.

Again?

He went to his landlord's door and knocked. A moment later, Mr. Grouse answered. "Ah, there you are. Ready to earn your keep?"

Ten minutes later, Mr. Grouse sat naked on the edge of his bed. E knelt between his legs and took his cock into his mouth. Crying silently, he licked, pumped, and worked that dick until Mr. Grouse threw his head back and filled E's mouth with hot old man jizz. As E left in abiding shame, Mr. Grouse grinned. "See ya next week, kid."

In his apartment, he made himself a brick of Ramen, but was so poor he couldn't afford a flavor packet, so he ate it raw. Standing over the overloaded sink. Crying.

Later, the gang came over and they played soggy biscuit again.

THE END.


End file.
